so here's the thing...i started listening to books instead of actually reading them two months ago and that quickly just led me to slack off entirely from reading and now i'm like in the middle of emily henry's 'funny story'...not remembering much looool i feel like it was a mix of me being lazy and also the book was okayyy so far idk!!! i still plan on finishing it though. I thought about maybe i could start doing asmr book clubs on tiktok live but idk it was just an idea. i started playing minecraft again on twitch and that was p therapeutic! i was going to stream this week too but my power decided to go out in my room and now im like...tf do i do now? i think i could still stream but we'll see. here's some pics i took on my macbook the past couple of weeks!! i try to keep these pics exclusive to OF and not anywhere else and if i do end up posting on twt it'll only be up temporarily n stuff. it depends. the holidays are coming up and i'm p nervous about it. i feel like there's a lot of pressure on me to behave and put my best foot forward but that's kind of hard. I'm not very extroverted. it takes multiple hangout for me to warm up to people. i'm not very charismatic...well i am with the right people tbh but w those i don't often share many interests with it can be a challenge for sure. i just wish i was given more grace to warm up first. growing up i was always not really paid much attention to and i grew up to enjoy that at times. i feel like now it's backfiring a bit and i'm trying to correct it as soon as i can. gift giving and acts of service are two departments i exceed in and feel like many people may take for granted...oh well i'm always open to trying to push myself a bit day by day.
anyway, i finished reading The Husbands! the book was pretty good until halfway through. I may talk about spoilers so feel free to skip but the protagonist had like no character development at all? like she just kept replacing husband after husband and never grew as a person much at all. She ultimately settled with one after so many rounds of dudes. lastly, i guess she never goes back to her original life before the magical attic? what the hell so she’s like actually fcked LOLLL. ya know, I was thinking “hmm why does this book have 3.5 stars…” and literally the later half of the book is just so disappointing. she never ends up with carter or resolved that marriage like girl what. I don’t know I’m kinda grateful I listened to the audible version for the later half of the book (i’ve been roadtripping a lot lately) instead of reading it because i know i would’ve been a lot more frustrated than I am now already if i had strained my eyes of reading only to find out she just SETTLES…
so i don’t even know whats going on in this book i’m currently reading.. it’s titled The Husbands by Holly Gramazio and overall it’s an interesting read but the entire time i’m trying to figure out like…whats the purpose of this book? what are the life lessons that i’m looking for in this book and how can I apply this to my lifestyle lmao. at the same time, does every book need to have a life lesson? cant a book simply just tell a tale of a woman with a magical attic that spawns a new man in her life without any lessons!! i don’t know!!
guys tmr the new iphone preorder drops and im sooo excited omg this freaking 12 mini is on her last legs and i’m so annoyed of this slow ass phone 😭 i don’t have to carry around my pixel either if i want to take cute pics AHHHH anyway wish me luck tmr bc im meeting up w some guy that wants to buy off my phone :p praying i don’t get scammed lol 🫥
hope u guys had a good labor day :) mine was alright. i’m sleepy rn. do u ever feel like ur going crazy? and im not talking abt that damn lesserafim song !! idk i feel like ppl are trying to make me seem crazy when i think i just have proper class, decorum, morals, standards that i guess some ppl struggle matching… like it’s rlly ruining my mood to the point i cry sometimes bc wtf i was doing ok !!! but now all of sudden i’m crazy like oh okay…anyway ill update u guys on the books i’ve been reading another time. fyi i just started the husbands by holly gramazio and it’s p cool so far!
haven’t been in a yappy mood so my need to write has dwindled significantlyyyyy and i think it’s probably due to my overthinking? like i haven’t rlly been going crazy so now im just kinda like 🧍🏽..nothing weird is going on other than work and my usual routines. everything is settling down now and that’s a good thing :)
You know, the new Pixel phone looks so good! Omg, I’m so tempted to get it. But to be honest, the whole Google ecosystem is kind of lacking compared to Apple’s, even though I really like their phones. I think they outshine Apple's, but it’s whatever. I was going to buy a 15 Pro Max the other day, but then I was like, "I might as well wait for the 16, right?" It just makes sense. But I truly cannot stand this 12 Mini—toy phone!! It’s so slow, even after replacing the battery. The new battery change helped a lot, but still, it’s nothing compared to my old Pixel phone.
Anyway, apologies for the delay in posting! The past couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster—much of it due to my overthinking, I must admit. But, you know, I also think some other people need to be held accountable for their own wrongdoings too! But whatever, love wins, I guess!
Speaking of love winning, I also went to a Pride parade the other day. If you follow me on Twitter (which I know like all of you do), you probably saw some of the pics I posted! I thought I looked all handsome and stuff with my lil’ mascara, hehe. I met THE Miss Cucú there and just had a really fun time. It was my second ever Pride, and I spent it with someone pretty special to me. It’s still kind of weird—this is stuff my 15yo self would have dreamed of experiencing, and now I’m kind of living it. LOVE REALLY DOES WIN, YAY!
But while I’m on this topic, this past week I came out to my family in a kind of nonchalant way. I don’t know—I thought I would post some pictures from the Pride event on Facebook and wrote this whole lengthy, cheesy caption. I talked about how I’ve been fearful for a long time of coming out to my family, but it was something that had to be done. For a long time, I was so sick and tired of the constant questions regarding girls and my orientation, even though it was quite obvious what I was. I felt like certain people were just adding this constant pressure to get me to say what I was while also being so passive-aggressive. The whole thing just made me say enough is enough.
Again, I think it’s dumb as hell to even have to come out and explain to people what I like—it shouldn’t be a big deal. What pains me the most is that I still have so much love for these people, yet their “natural” reaction is to be shocked, confused, appalled even. And I’m like, why are we acting shocked, first of all? Also, it’s not a major holiday... and why would you ask if I’m topping or bottoming? (Trust me, I’ve had this question so many times, like literally right after saying I’m gay—why does it matter, and why would you want to know that??)
But what hurts the most is that despite getting these weird-ass responses, I still have to sympathize and be patient with them because they’re my family, and I care about them! I hope someday they can come around and be a lot more cool with it, which I don’t think may happen, but I still want to bite the bullet and hope anyway.
I wrote a lot of things that I figured wouldn’t make the cut here. It felt nice. Unwinding this ball of yarn that got all scrambled in my head and typing it out—to then delete it knowing no one would know what was unraveled. That’s pretty interesting. It would be kind of a lot of work to scramble it back up again. I’m just really sleepy. I want to cuddle. I want to listen to our favorite music. I want to put you on something that I know you haven’t listened to yet, then going to your profile checking to see if you added it or not. I miss that.
Nowadays we just knock out after talking about our days since I started working again and you’ve been calling slightly later. I think I used to mind it, but then I remember the notes you take about me (I wish someday I can see them), the way you love wrapping me in your arms when I come over, whenever you don’t let me go when I need to use the restroom, or your hand still reaching for my thigh unsolicited in the car. All those times you still open the car for me. The new places you still take me to explore when I’m in town. How you still call me every night for months. How you lent me your wristband for my watch. How you still let me see your friends and the ones you plan to let me meet (even if they all think I'm too immature for you). The little blow of air that leaves your nose when I jump at the scary parts of that movie we watched (Life) while I’m still in that nice, warm, embrace you keep me in. I try my best to notice these things because I love you. These are the moments I would hope I still remember when I turn grey. Because to me.. that’s what love is, and I don’t regret any second of it.
p.s. I'm sorry for thinking your sunglasses were ugly. You were happy wearing them and I should've let you just be content with those damn shades on. Granted, you did make me change my top early on when we dated because you hated my athleisure closet. Either way, you still looked very handsome :)
Okay, where do I even begin? So, this book was really midstagram until the end! I won’t spoil anything, but long story short, this book is about a family that tries its best to appear functional, but each member is very much the opposite. It takes a toll on the little ones, and one of them ends up doing the unthinkable. This forces the entire family to confront their issues head-on, which means grappling with their secrets. But it doesn’t go entirely smoothly. The book is called "Everything I Never Told You" by Celeste Ng. So, it makes sense that the title matches the story.
The writing was alright. I did get slightly lost when we were doing the whole flashbacks thing because sometimes when I'm working out, I may skim a little because I feel like I would read semantics at times, and climbing stairs just exacerbated my impatience, lol. I was losing track of what is present and what is the past. Towards the end, seeing how certain characters were just spiraling hurt to read. How much pain can build up and just lead a person to spiral so badly when they weren't put in the right setting to be able to talk through these things? Having to bottle things up and hide was really sad to read.
If you have any recommendations for my next read I would love to know :D
Hope you had a good week. Well, as for me, I did have a good week actually! Somehow it almost looks like there’s a third nipple on me, but I don’t mind it. There’s a slight marking on my neck (not pictured), and I have work, so... I put a bit of concealer this morning in an attempt to hide it, and I think it did the job, but I’m not sure. Anyway, I’m almost done reading my book “Everything I Never Told You” by Celeste Ng. I’m not sure how long I’ve been reading this one. I think maybe three weeks? I read it for half an hour on the stair stepper everyday to two-bird one-stone it. I think the story so far is whatever. It highlights a lot of family flaws that can occur when there are things left unsaid. It’s kind of weird considering I haven’t really read a book that fixates on this so much. A little close to home for me, but I don’t mind it! It’s like my own little therapy for free!
Hi, to my new subs! You might be confused about what I've been doing in here. To be honest, like I said in my bio, this is really just a diary that I paywall. I don't mind dropping NSFW stuff every now and then, but really, for now, this is what it will be for the time being. I appreciate you reading this and hope you have a nice night.
As for me, my night is okay. I'm sleepy, though. Work has been annoying, but that comes with every job. Eventually, I'll do what I want to do solo, and I think that's why I'm overworking myself a bit every day. I have to be productive, or else I'll be behind. I can't say much about work right now, but someday I will. I'm hungry too. I want fries.
I didn't really think about going back to therapy anytime soon, but earlier I was playing around with the idea again. I'm not sure when anxiety becomes "that" anxiety, but it would be nice to ask a professional, right? I get anxious at work. I get anxious with certain people. I often have to talk myself through it to relieve the nerves, and it's manageable, I think, but annoying once it resurfaces shortly after.
There was a TikTok I was reading earlier at the gym. It was about something along the lines of stopping yourself from digging for answers you're not really ready for. Those are one of the lines I tell myself to avoid getting worked up, but I feel like the unknown holds all the answers I feared approaching, when there's a chance those answers don't exist to begin with.
But there's really only one way to find out, so why not just pull the bandaid right? However, the clip goes on to say to wait it out until those answers approach you, or like, the time will come when those answers will come to light or not, and I didn't really think of that one actually. Still, if the answers are there, it would drive me a bit crazy knowing I waited it out when I could've found out the second I had the urge to. But then what happens? Will that change anything? Either it will calm my anxieties, validate the pessimistic theories my head brewed up, or it will create new ones instead.
At the end of the day, I figured that if I practiced writing all of this – this overthinking stuff that loves to swarm me around these hours – then they'll disperse. They're simply temporary feelings.
i gave up reading mungo. it has almost 5 stars on goodreads but for some reason i catch myself skimming through a lot of the author's writing. they're super detailed and the writing itself is a bit of an older style? it's set in some old time in glasgow and i can't put up with it anymore. i read 3 chapters and unfortunately i ended up returning it. i'm sure it's a good book i think my ipad brain is just too fried for it lol. i feel like the same thing kinda happened with giovanni's room too. also- i catch myself being more drawn to fictional love stories but set in a more contemporary setting?? which sounds very...50 year old southern mom that just reads those corny romance novels all day everyday but i'd like to think i'm more of the hopeless romantic boy who just dreams of those touchy feely romantic scenes every second of the day. who knows. maybe they're the same thing! i've read a couple of biographies an old friend of mine recommended also that new one jeanette mccurdy that came out too. those are usually a hit or miss. i'll have to take a look at my account and see what i've read so far though.
i thought about some of the friends i made this year. part of my resolution was to be in a relationship and make 10 new close friends. somehow and in someway i ended up fulfilling the first part of that. i didn't think that was likely to happen anytime soon considering how january went. nevertheless, i've learned a lot and appreciated so many new things about this new guy that i may or may not talk about in another post.
the 10 new friends thing is also pretty ambitious too but i don't think its going that bad actually. earlier this year i had been attending these social outings and i've met a couple of cool people. however, we're not anything like super close but we've been out and drank together. those are always fun but i haven't seen them in a bit. i should probably reach out and ask to hang but sometimes i feel like there are simply some friends that are meant to just be friends and nothing like besties you know? that's how the cookie crumbles and I don't mind it. at the same time, I don't want to completely cross out that possibility either. nevertheless, another batch of friends i made came from this other job i was really excited over. they were all so sweet and some of the realest people i've met in a really long time. it made me miss hanging out with people like me. people that enjoy the same things i like and ultimately just wanted the best for me vice versa.
my coworkers aren't so bad either. it's obvious we're not similar and a lot of our interactions are fairly awkward. whether we're passing by each other, we often look at the floor or quickly glimpse at each other and do that half smile thing. it's weird. yet, this job isn't something i see myself in the long run doing; it's merely something temporary until my work is presentable enough for me to do this solo with clients of my own. what i can say for sure though is despite our limited genuine interactions, i can def say it's nice being able to talk to them about my week without feeling judged or having to put so many filters on what i'm saying.
my past two full-times my coworkers were much older, conservatives, and would always do a double-take if i painted my nails or if i had something fruity on my desk. the ones now are a lot more accepting and i'm sure with time we'd get to a place where maybe we could be a bit more honest with each other and feel not so shy i guess. at the end of the day, i kinda don't really care for the social stuff of corporate. i'm really here for a paycheck like the rest of them and to learn new stuff. don't get me wrong though..i'm always open to making new friends in this type of realm it's just often times i don't vibe that well people and that's 100% okay lol. for a long time, especially when i smaller, i wanted to be everyone's friend. yet, after trying to dress and talk and put on the same cologne as other people i never really got anywhere close to befriending anyone really. my mom would often scold me and get so frustrated that i cared so much about what my peers would think of me. i think that's something i still ask myself. why was i hell-bent on befriending everyone? even if our interests we're so far apart from each other. i'm not sure. i usually have an answer to everything or a theory lol. let me take a quick guess at it though; it was probably bc of some family stuff going on at home- plus i didn't have any siblings for a long time.
my friends that i hang with so often are also very special people i hope to be closer with. which is weird because we're already close but it would be nice to be able to cry to them? i haven't done that yet- or at least i don't remember. we usually just have a bunch of happy memories together and i like that a lot. we've never really fought or had hard disagreements. we just fit together! and it rarely ever happens. you're probably thinking like well it sounds like you need a therapist! and trust me i've done that already and it was whatever. he wasn't really a good fit but hey! i'm not diagnosed with anything (suprisingly). i think i just need to put the effort on my end to be vulnerable instead of hoping the opportunity will somehow manifest itself. i've become a lot more well-rounded over the years. i really only did the therapist thing bc i didn't want my friends to hear me yap so much abt some dude and i don't think i was ready to be as vulnerable with them yet. a lot has changed in 4 years so yeah. communication is pretty important to me.
