i thought about some of the friends i made this year. part o..

i thought about some of the friends i made this year. part of my resolution was to be in a relationship and make 10 new close friends. somehow and in someway i ended up fulfilling the first part of that. i didn't think that was likely to happen anytime soon considering how january went. nevertheless, i've learned a lot and appreciated so many new things about this new guy that i may or may not talk about in another post.

the 10 new friends thing is also pretty ambitious too but i don't think its going that bad actually. earlier this year i had been attending these social outings and i've met a couple of cool people. however, we're not anything like super close but we've been out and drank together. those are always fun but i haven't seen them in a bit. i should probably reach out and ask to hang but sometimes i feel like there are simply some friends that are meant to just be friends and nothing like besties you know? that's how the cookie crumbles and I don't mind it. at the same time, I don't want to completely cross out that possibility either. nevertheless, another batch of friends i made came from this other job i was really excited over. they were all so sweet and some of the realest people i've met in a really long time. it made me miss hanging out with people like me. people that enjoy the same things i like and ultimately just wanted the best for me vice versa.

my coworkers aren't so bad either. it's obvious we're not similar and a lot of our interactions are fairly awkward. whether we're passing by each other, we often look at the floor or quickly glimpse at each other and do that half smile thing. it's weird. yet, this job isn't something i see myself in the long run doing; it's merely something temporary until my work is presentable enough for me to do this solo with clients of my own. what i can say for sure though is despite our limited genuine interactions, i can def say it's nice being able to talk to them about my week without feeling judged or having to put so many filters on what i'm saying.

my past two full-times my coworkers were much older, conservatives, and would always do a double-take if i painted my nails or if i had something fruity on my desk. the ones now are a lot more accepting and i'm sure with time we'd get to a place where maybe we could be a bit more honest with each other and feel not so shy i guess. at the end of the day, i kinda don't really care for the social stuff of corporate. i'm really here for a paycheck like the rest of them and to learn new stuff. don't get me wrong though..i'm always open to making new friends in this type of realm it's just often times i don't vibe that well people and that's 100% okay lol. for a long time, especially when i smaller, i wanted to be everyone's friend. yet, after trying to dress and talk and put on the same cologne as other people i never really got anywhere close to befriending anyone really. my mom would often scold me and get so frustrated that i cared so much about what my peers would think of me. i think that's something i still ask myself. why was i hell-bent on befriending everyone? even if our interests we're so far apart from each other. i'm not sure. i usually have an answer to everything or a theory lol. let me take a quick guess at it though; it was probably bc of some family stuff going on at home- plus i didn't have any siblings for a long time.

my friends that i hang with so often are also very special people i hope to be closer with. which is weird because we're already close but it would be nice to be able to cry to them? i haven't done that yet- or at least i don't remember. we usually just have a bunch of happy memories together and i like that a lot. we've never really fought or had hard disagreements. we just fit together! and it rarely ever happens. you're probably thinking like well it sounds like you need a therapist! and trust me i've done that already and it was whatever. he wasn't really a good fit but hey! i'm not diagnosed with anything (suprisingly). i think i just need to put the effort on my end to be vulnerable instead of hoping the opportunity will somehow manifest itself. i've become a lot more well-rounded over the years. i really only did the therapist thing bc i didn't want my friends to hear me yap so much abt some dude and i don't think i was ready to be as vulnerable with them yet. a lot has changed in 4 years so yeah. communication is pretty important to me.