I finally get to see Magnum tomorrow š±
After a decade apart, a marriage, and a sex change, Magnum and I will finally be reunited after over a decade! I am absolutely terrified and so fucking nervous š° but even more excited š„° Keep every single one of your fingers crossed for me and I will fill you all in on all the details when I get back!
I donāt have much spicy content to share this week, we have been loading in the most recent set we built at work so We have been working crazy shifts, and any other available time has been used planning my trip this weekend. Hopefully you appreciate some of the progress photos though! There were a LOT of hiccups in the process of building this show and even more growing pains as our shop has had to adapt to new management but I am very proud of everyone ability to overcome everything like we have. Itās going to look so good when itās all done š
I wonāt be streaming this weekend either so maybe go through some of my backlogged content and remind yourself why you should tip me š haha! In all seriousness, tips would be appreciated since I have a a very long drive to see Magnum and wonāt really be working but they are definitely not necessary. I just appreciate your continued subscription š„°
āSomeday I would like to go home. The exact location of this place I don't know but someday I would like to go. There would be a pleasing feeling of familiarity and a sense of welcome in everything I saw. People would greet me warmly. They would remind me of the length of my absence and the thousands of miles I had travelled in those restless years but mostly they would tell me that I had been missed and that things were better now I had returned.ā
Last week I had the best week Iāve had at my job in a long time; my boss finally quit.
I never mentioned my boss much before, work drama isnāt always interesting to the majority, but he was a very divisive person and always pitted me and Milwaukee - some of you may remember him from āthe truck storyā - against one another. Last week we tore down the set for Little Shop of Horrors and started putting in a new set. It gave Milwaukee and I a chance to work closely with one another and required us to communicate without any interference. We have begun to make amends and the two of us are now co-managing the shop š„°
At the end of the week, we opened the next show. I went to the opening party (and I looked so cute, Iām so upset I didnāt get any pictures š), I saw all my work friends, I drank and had a good time. After the party a big group of us, including Milwaukee, went to a bar where we talked and played pool.
For as much as I appreciate my friends, they all come from rather tidy backgrounds. Mine is a little more sloppy but I know how to pull myself together for their sake...until I donāt and then everything that has been building up comes spilling out. At the bar, some guy said something to me in a way that I didnāt appreciate so I threw a pool ball at him. He got in my face and started to belittle my intelligence and tried to get me kicked out. I was very humbled to see all of my friends come to my defense, the first of them being Milwaukee, even after the scene I caused. Thankfully we didnāt get kicked out and Milwaukee calmed me down then bought me a drink.
I also (apparently) told one of my coworkers that I wanted to sleep with him. No more tequila shots for me š³
A few years ago, when I was a workinā gal, I had a man do something very bad to me. It caused a lot of trauma and, ever since then, I have yet to have sex sober...until last night with Jack. He was patient and made me feel comfortable and safe (and god DAMN it was good š). I am so proud of myself but I didnāt know who to share that with, I trust you guys though. Here, have a cute picture of me and a stuffed otter that I sent to someone from before my internet days:
I went on my first date since Work Crush.
I had been talking to this guy I met online for a few days. We got along pretty well, he was very sweet and a decent conversationalist. It also didnāt hurt that he looked like a dumb little frat boy, those my absolute favorite. We got to talking about movies and he found out that I had never seen Treasure Planet. So, I invited him over for a nice night in and we watched it together.
As the two of us watched, we kept talking and getting to know one another more. We also started to get comfortable with touching one another: I held onto his arm while he stroked my legs as I stretched them across his lap (I didnāt exactly dress cute, just running shorts and a low cut Henley, but it got the job done š ). At some point Jack asked how tall I was. I told him I was 5ā11ā. He didnāt believe me at first, he is 5ā11ā too and thought he was taller, so he made me stand up and compare. He held his hand at the top of his head and moved it over to mine to see if it would touch. It did, then he continued and moved his hand to the back of my head, using it to pull me in close, and kissed me.
I grabbed him by his collar and pulled him back to the couch with him in top of me. As we kissed, he began to slide his hands under my shirt and play with my tits. Eventually he lifted his arms, raising my shirt and pulling it off. He sat up and stared at my body for a moment. Then he grabbed my hips, lifted them to his chest, and pulled off my shorts and underwear. With my legs draped over his shoulders, my hands grabbing his hair and his on my tits, he lowered his head and slowly started sucking my cock.
Afterward, he lifted his head and looked at me with a smirk. He grabbed my hands and stood up from the couch, pulling me with him and onto my knees in front of him. With his hand on the back of my head, he lifted my gaze up to him and said āI want you to suck my cock.ā I opened my mouth, almost involuntarily, and wrapped it so deep around his cock that my eyes began to water as I watched him watch me.
I eagerly sucked his cock until he leaned down, put his hands on the sides of my face, kissed me, and laid me down on the floor. He straddled my chest, leaned forward with his hands on the floor, and began to fuck my face. Oxygen deprived and euphoric, my body began to go limp. Jack sat up and looked at me laying flat on the floor. He grabbed me by the waist and slid me forward so that he was straddling my legs. He asked if he could fuck me. I said yes.
He grabbed my legs and split them apart. I wrapped them around his waist and pulled myself up to him. I watched and felt him, concentrating, as he pressed his cock against my ass. We both let out a strained moan as he slowly slid his cock inside me. We were still for a moment, only the sound of us breathing, then he leaned forward and asked if I was okay. I said yes, we both smiled, and he continued to thrust his cock in and out of me. We slid across the living room floor as he fucked my until we ended up against the front door. He put one hand round my neck as he began to fuck me harder while his other hand stroked my cock. He began to sweat and pant and I could feel his cock getting even harder inside me until he finally managed to say through staggered breath āIām gonna cum!ā He pulled himself out of me and showered my tits, stomach, and cock in his cum. We were still again, only the sound of ya breathing but this time it was much much louder. I looked down at myself, my cum-covered body glistened as the light from the television reflected off of me. I looked up at him, he was exhausted. I pulled him down to me, wrapped myself around him and held him close, stroking his hair as he regained composure.
Once he was better, he went and got me a towel to clean off. We made our way back to the couch and continued the movie as he held me until we both fell asleep.
In talking to a friend a couple of days later, I said he āfucks like a jackrabbitā. We now lovingly refer to him as Jack.
...
The next day, despite a gnarly hangover, was beautiful. I got an iced coffee, went for a drive through the country, then went shopping at Target like the basic bitch I am (where I found this cute 1970s-looking crop top š). There was a even going away party for Work Crush that night because it was their last day at work. I wasnāt sure if I wanted to go, but I did. Work Crush, however, did not go. Skipping out on their own going away party, on brand to the bitter fucking end š I didnāt even get a text from them. Want to know who I did get a text from? Jack.
Iām doing much better these days.
I donāt like furnishing my apartments, it creates a sense of permanence and I donāt like staying in one place too long. I have someone in my life now who feels very differently though so now I have a couch. In an act of rebellion I started sleeping on said couch so maybe I would feel like I was staying somewhere else and not my own place because the idea of my own place having a bed AND a couch made me super uncomfortable. I have a trash can and a coffee table now as well, so I started sleeping on the floor. I know I have to get a television as well and there is even talk of getting a dining room table. At this rate it wonāt be long before I will be sleeping outside, naked on a rock or something.
Sorry for popping off last night. Hopefully this will make up for it. I took this, and am posting it, while in the drive thru at Zaxbyās because Iām hungover and want greasy food.
No post this week, no fun pictures to associate with the post. The vocal minority of my followers seem to forget that I donāt need this job and that I am not afraid to burn this whole fucking thing down to the ground in the name of proving a point. Square up. If you donāt like what I have to offer, leave. I sincerely apologize to veteran subscribers.
November 21-27, Part 2 of 2
Thursday, November 25, 2021:
Itās thanksgiving today, which is an uncomfortable holiday for me; I have a rampant eating disorder so I struggle to enjoy all the food and, even if that werenāt the case, I donāt even have a family to spend it with so I just donāt see the point.
Itās been that way for a really long time now. Iām kind of just used to it, which is fine I guess, but I must have been feeling empowered or something this year because I thought I would try something new: I was going to wake up, watch the Macyās Thanksgiving Day Parade like I did when I was a kid (before I had a disorder), go to a Friendsgiving with some nice coworkers, then come home and watch a Christmas movie or two because Christmas is my absolute favorite holiday. Unfortunately, that is not what happened.
I woke up and went looking for a stream of the parade only to find it behind an absurd paywall (why does Hulu Live cost SO much?!). Having the very first thing go wrong on a day where I already feel really fragile was pretty discouraging but then I got an unsolicited text from Work Crush, who knows this day is hard for me, reminding me to just relax and that everything is going to be okay. I hear that all the time from people and I usually kind of hate it but I actually believed it this time and it made me feel nice. I felt seen and understood. I felt forgiven. Most importantly I felt a whole lot fucking better.
I picked myself back up and decided to go get ready for this Friendsgiving thing, but that didnāt go so well either; I got super anxious the more I looked at my reflection and could barely recognize what I was looking at, growing a repulsion to this āstrangerā I saw in the mirror. Iām self aware enough to know that such feelings are irrational and symptomatic of my dysphoria that stems from my eating disorder but itās a retroactive awareness and in the moment I donāt fucking care. I stepped away from the mirror before it triggered some kind of reactive behavior and Iāve been avoiding my reflection ever since (although sometimes I still catch a glimpse of it when my laptop screen goes dark but I guess that is okay).
I guess Iām not going to the Friendsgiving anymore. I adore my coworkers and the fact that they extended an invitation to me but they all come from very different backgrounds/have very different life experiences than I do which sometimes makes it really hard to relate to them. They actually look up to me in that sense, they appreciate my experience and point of view which is awesome, but sometimes it kind of makes me feel like a spectacle to be patronized. It feels hypocritical to be upset over something like that because I know that is basically the crux of my internet brand, putting my life on display, but in those moments Iām not trying to āperformā or whatever and I just want to have a nice moment where I can maybe forget that Iām such a damn outsider;
āPraise is dangerous. It can go from a little to too much in just a few words. Sure, itās nice to know that someone likes what you do...but to take it all the way you must turn a deaf ear to praise, move and keep moving.ā
Today I am simply just going to turn on some sad anime, have a few drinks and start a new painting. Work Crush has also been periodically sending me funny Tik Toks and texts to check in on me (I even got one while writing this paragraph), thatās also been very nice. Today may not have gone as planned but, considering where I am compared to just two months ago, I am still so lucky and so grateful to be where I am.
Friday, November 26, 2021:
Itās officially Christmas time, bitches! Wooooo!
I was going to go out and buy a television today in hopes that I could get in on some of those sweet Capitalism Friday deals because a television is the last major thing I have to get to furnish my apartment before Work Crush comes over. I donāt have any form of card payment right now because I had to get a new card so I only have cash but I didnāt have enough. Thatās okay though, I realized I probably need to do a little more research anyway.
I got a surprise visit from my mother, I guess she was traveling for Thanksgiving and happened to be passing through my town. We donāt really have a relationship but we arenāt really strangers either so I guess I didnāt mind. She stopped by to give me a gift:
A few years ago I was part of this city sanctioned art competition where a bunch of artists were asked to paint Christmas murals on the windows of local businesses. The winner was chosen based on social media interaction. My mural got the most interaction but not on the platform the judges were using to determine the winner so I got second place. Iāve always been a little bitter about that but itās okay. Iām still really proud of the mural I did, I thought it was cute and very funny, and the experience was amazing albeit very fucking cold.
The gift my mother gave me was an ornament of the mural I painted. Apparently she had them made for the whole family. I had no idea any of the other family members even knew about it. It was very nice. I donāt even know if I want to put it on my tree and instead just put it away for safe sentimental keeping, haha!
The theatre cancelled the opening of the show today, they are just having a normal day of rehearsals instead. At least they finally did a full run through. I stopped by to see Work Crush and had a nice long lunch break with them. They finally had some life in their eyes again, a day off and some nice family time did them some good I think. We talked a bit more about whether or not they were going to stick around and work the next show. I donāt think they are, which is fine. I obviously donāt want them to leave but itās not about me and my wants/perspectives. It doesnāt mean I wonāt still see them either, it just means I will see them in a different setting, which may actually be healthier. While we were talking we heard the musicians warming up again which meant Work Crush needed to get back to the soundboard. We said goodbye and I shamelessly stared at their ass as they were leaving because DAMN they looked hot today š„µ
I came home and, despite being very NOT in the mood, I did a live stream because I had kind of been putting it off. It was alright, I was getting kind of fed up with people though. The veteran viewers are always so sweet but sometimes they just donāt outweigh the glaring indelicacies of this job; āthereās no one farther from a reality than a critic.ā
I got a call from Work Crush on their way home from rehearsal, I think they are trying to make that a habit now so we donāt go days without talking again. It was a nice pick-me-up after the stream and we had some very healthy conversation until we both fell asleep.
Saturday, November 27, 2021:
I have to drive to Birmingham today to pick something up for a friend. I feel at home on the road so I think it will be a therapeutic drive.
I woke up to a text from Work Crush and apparently they didnāt cancel tonightās show so I guess this is opening night. They did, however, fire one of the actors for saying something racist and are now scrambling to rework the cast. What a shit show, man.
Iām a little nervous to post this new diary format to Onlyfans but people have been asking for something like this for a while, letās see if they are prepared to get what they want.
Time to hit the road š
November 21-27, Part 1 of 2
Sunday, November 21, 2021:
Considering the fact that I woke up on the floor, a full face of last nightās make up, and a gnarly hangover I would say I may have had a bit too much to drink during last nightās stream. I made a huge mess too but at least my coffee table looks good. Anyone want to send me some vintage Playboys to put on it?
Eventually I made my way to the bedroom and onto the bed, which is basically where I stayed for the rest of the day, watching the Get Shorty tv show. Chris OāDowd is so unbelievably attractive in that show, he has come a long way since Roy.
I havenāt heard from Work Crush today. I couldnāt find them at work yesterday to say goodbye so I sent them a text instead but they didnāt respond. I know they were busy so I didnāt think anything about it but I at least thought I would hear from them today. I know I could take the initiative but I feel like I already have, having sent two texts yesterday that werenāt responded to. I canāt send a third, that seems desperate and needy, right? Besides, I donāt want to overwhelm them if they are busy. Ugh, why am I spending so much brain power on this?! Whatever, maybe we need a day of separation anyway. I will see them tomorrow at work and Iām sure everything will be fine.
Monday , November 22, 2021:
Back to work!
I am definitely the craftsperson of the shop and Milwaukee is the muscle. There is a third carpenter, Mexican Michael Cera, but he is new to the field and hasnāt quite found his niche so he mostly just shadows. Milwaukee was out sick though, and we needed to rig a bunch of heavy shit in the theatre, so I got to be the muscle today, going up and down in a lift and moving structures that are literally bigger than my apartment.
Work Crush didnāt come to work today, a lot of the production team had the day off because they worked the weekend. Iām glad, they all really needed it, but damn I was really hoping to see Work Crush. I just want some closure. I mean, they didnāt even tell me they werenāt coming in. I sent a text to them making sure they were still alive and got a picture in response (which, I have learned, is their way of saying that they donāt have the mental capacity to have a conversation) and they were doing game night with their family. I know they have just been busy but for some reason I feel like I did something wrong.
Tuesday , November 23, 2021:
I super overslept and got to work an hour late where I was then immediately drowning in work: I sanded six 4x8 sheets of plexi glass and installed them into these floor-to-ceiling sliding steel walls/doors that Milwaukee made for this kind of attic scene, then he and I framed and skinned a ceiling for a living room scene. Itās been so long since Iāve been worked that hard, it was amazing, and Milwaukee and I are such a force to be reckoned with (whenever we finally stop bickering with one another, haha!).
I finally saw work crush for, like, ten seconds today. They actually made an effort to talk to me first so maybe things are fine. The shop gets out of work early tomorrow for Thanksgiving break and I am hoping Work Crush does too because I want to try do something, literally anything, with them since I know they are spending Thanksgiving day with their family. I mostly just want closure, to know that they are okay and/or we are okay. Fingers crossed.
Iāve felt so anxious today. I tripped over a cable and pulled my laptop off my coffee table and sent a cup of coffee flying halfway across the living room. Iām going to bed š
Wednesday , November 24, 2021:
We worked a half day at work today, which was nice and I understand that the company wants to give us time for the holiday, but I donāt know if it was such a good idea considering how behind every department is. In theory the show opens on the day after thanksgiving and we havenāt even done a full run through of the show. Everyone is running around like the building is on fire trying to get shit done. Whatever man, Iām just a carpenter. Our team is done and has washed our hands of that show and I actually spent today doing remedial tasks for the next show.
I finally got to see and talk to Work Crush for more than thirty seconds when I was on my way out and caught them while they were on a break. They look so defeated, I could see it in their eyes. They joke about quitting a lot, but today was no joke. I legitimately donāt think they are going to stick around to do the next show. I always ask when I leave if they need or want me to get them anything before I go home. They usually say no and that they will be fine which, when I asked today, is exactly what they said. However, I wasnāt taking ānoā for an answer today.
Work crush was still going to be at the theatre for a few more hours so I went out and got some tequila that a quick google search told me was really nice because tequila is their favorite alcohol, some tea that I know theyāve never had that had all the things in it that I know they like because they are big into tea, and a box of their favorite butter cookies to go with the tea because they are a total foodie. I took everything back to the theatre, wrapped it up in a bag with a handwritten note telling them how good they were doing, and left it on their car just before they got out of rehearsal. Make sure you spell my name right on the Best Girlfriend of the Year award š
I got a call from them a few minutes later on my way home and they were at a loss for words while trying to say thank you. We ended up staying on the phone for about four hours, which was more than I had talked to them in the past eight days combined. I could hear them occasionally sipping the tea I got them and they would say softly under their breath how happy and relaxed they were. They really needed something like that and I am very glad I could be the person who gave it to them.
How would you guys feel about me getting a work P.O. Box? Iāve been getting messages from people who want to sent me things for one reason or another, which is awesome and I would love to share those things with them, but with all due respect I am definitely not giving out my address. Also I admittedly want a way of side-stepping an Amazon wishlist for those who want to give me gifts because I donāt particularly like Amazon and I DO particularly like the super cute vintage lingerie sets I just found on Etsy and would much rather prefer to have those than anything Jeff Bezos has to offer, haha! Leave a comment (but probably not a message) and let me know what you think š„°
#nomakeup
#definitelyafilterthoughbecauseimnotthatbrave
Itās tech week at work, the monotonous week before a show opens where the hours are indefinite as we load in a set, the actors and stage managers and designers are in the building, and we test the practicality of everything we have been working on the past month and a half. I am in hell. Iām literally writing all of this while I sit in the green room with Work Crush, eating bagels that were provided for us, because it is the only semi moment of free time I have. I love it though. Find what you love and let it kill you, right? Which, if the amount of injuries I have procured during the build of this show are any indication (shooting my finger with a nail gun, clipping that same finger on a table saw, a wall falling on me, sanding a hole in my leg, countless splinters), that shouldnāt be much longer, haha!
I took this video in the prop shop this morning during the small window of time I had while waiting for coffee. About two seconds later I dropped the coffee stirrer in my mouth onto the dusty floor. I didnāt want to walk all the way back to the green room to get another so I just used my knife, which was covered in joint compound because apparently I thought that was more acceptable š Iām trying to get a couple more photos and video throughout the day but thereās not much Iām really allowed to share. Hopefully you still like these very out of context excerpts from my life. Hell, maybe the fact that they donāt make any sense will be more interesting, haha!
Man, I super duper did not want to make this video but a few people have asked for something like this and it was juuust barely within bounds of of my comfort zone. For context, I fucking hate being wet ā rain is gross, pools are weird, and the ocean is scary (although, ironically, I love pool parties and being on the beach) ā so taking a shower is very much a non-sexy chore for me. Iām learning though that that my ābrandā is basically just my real life put on display and it certainly doesnāt get more real than this, haha! Also, the theatre has me working crazy overtime to finish putting together the show I am working on, and what little time I do have I am trying to spend with Work Crush, so this (probably very niche) content is literally the only thing I can manage to cough up for the time being š° Hopefully voyeurism is your thing!
Thank you all for being so patient, I might not have a large following but damn if I donāt have a supportive one š„° Oh and there is a high chance that I will get retroactively embarrassed and delete this after, like, a week or something so if you are the knucklehead who has been ripping some of my content and putting it elsewhere then could you maybe not do that with this one? Please? Just this once? Thank you!
Halloween 2021
I was at some punk show about a week ago where I saw this guy I kind of knew from work and we got to talking. He told me his band needed a drummer for a Halloween gig the next weekend. He also knew that I used to be a drummer so he asked if I would do it. I was a little less than sober (and overly confident) and, despite having not touched a drummer in seven years, I said that I would.
A couple of days went by and I got a message from my coworker with a Spotify link to the set list. That was when I realized that I didnāt dream the conversation we had and that I did in fact agree to play a show with a band that I had never heard. I spent the next few days listening to the set list on repeat, trying my best to learn the songs.
I realized at some point that I didnāt even have a costume for the event. I went to a Halloween store nearby but it had been ransacked and nothing was left. Then I remembered that I used to be a terrible stripper and actually have a closet full of costumes at home. So I went through my inventory and pieced together a couple of options.
On the day of the show I got another message from my coworker telling me where the venue was. I got there and it turned out to be an old church that someone had turned into a venue and was lit up with a bunch of multi colored spotlights. I went in and it was actually a Rocky Horror show. Not many people were there and it was clearly put together by some volunteers ā you grabbed your own metal folding chair as you went in, the bartenders were clearly someoneās parents, and the MC was just the funniest guy at the water cooler ā but it was very pure and still very fun.
The band played after the movie so I sat in the back with the sound engineer while I waited to go on. We got to talking and even stepped outside and had a couple of drinks and a smoke together, and exchanged backstories. They were so cool!
We heard the movie end so we went back inside. I took the stage with the band and it was an immediate shit show: I obviously didnāt know what I was doing, the rhythm guitarist was super sick and kept falling out of the song, the lead guitarist kept going without us, and the bassist didnāt know whether to follow me or the lead guitarist. Eventually the band started playing songs that werenāt in the set list given to me which, ironically, turned things around for the better because then I could play without knowing how the song was āsupposeā to be played and I wasnāt overthinking it. We got into a pretty good groove after that. Too bad over half the people had left by then.
Afterward, I went to Some dive bar with the bassist and the sound engineer. It was an interesting place, some lady grabbed me by the face when I was in the bathroom (gross) and told me that Iām beautiful. We only stayed for one drink because they were closing, so we all went over to a friends house.
When we got there we all sat in the living room, drinking bad beer and watching Cowboy Bebop. I sat next to the sound engineer again and we kept talking. At some point I was telling a story and made some kind of hand gesture that unintentionally hit their leg. I apologized and they said āitās okay, you can touch me.ā My heart sank and that was when I realized that I am attracted to the sound engineer. So, we kept talking and got a little closer with one another but then they had to leave. I was bummed because I thought that was the end of my interaction with them but, as it turns out, I work with them and didnāt realize it! I canāt wait for Monday.
I came home and did a stream, trying to get as much mileage out of a full face of makeup as possible, then made a pizza. I honestly think I broke a record of some kind with how fast I ate that pizza after (figuratively) starving myself for a week so I would look good in my Halloween outfit. I fell asleep so hard after that, I donāt even remember it and didnāt even remember to take my makeup off. It was such a busy, hectic, and exhausting week ā at some point in there I accidentally shot myself in the finger with a nail gun ā but so absolutely worth it.
Happy Halloween
#literally #woke #up #like #this
A lot of you have already seen this from where I posted it to Twitter but I wanted to post it here as well in case you missed it because it was important for me to relay this sentiment.
Someone messaged me today and made me realize that I donāt really have any fully nude photos, I always have some kind of article of clothing on for security even if I am still exposed, so I came home and took all of these ā¤ļø
Stay the fuck out of Murray County.
I knew this, everyone knew this, so why the hell would I ever agree to go to a party there? I donāt know, but I did, and that was a mistake.
I was in tow with a girl I was dating at the time as she was the one who was actually invited to the party and not me. After way too long of a drive, we arrived at a house on a large plot of land at the end of an awful gravel driveway in the middle of approximately nowhere. We parked and I could already see a crowd of people that I would never voluntarily interact with surrounding the premises so I started to get real nervous. My girlfriend got out of the car first. She was/is insanely attractive (I too have no idea why she was with me) and immediately gained everyoneās attention. Unfortunately, I followed and everyoneās look of adoration turned to a confused grimace as I emerged from the shadows; I was tall, lanky, had shitty bleach-blonde hair, wore a flamboyant painted leather jacket, my jeans were held together with safety pins and I was basically begging for an ass kicking. If this were a mid 90ās alt film, you would have heard the sound of a record scratch over a wacky Dutch angle.
We made our way through the crowd and into the house. Everyone inside showed me the same (lack of) hospitality as everyone outside. It didnāt take long for my girlfriend to find whoever was hosting the party though and they were quick to welcome us, as well as put everyone else at ease. Shortly after, however, the host dragged my girlfriend away on a tour of their house and I was stranded on a sofa in the living room across from a social firing squad of rednecks. It took a while, as well as their utmost brain power, but they were able to form a handful of coherent sentences and I was actually able to connect with, and even somewhat appeal to, them. After a while I thought I had won them over as the head degenerate, this ex-Marine dude, started offering me drinks and sharing stories with me. Oh, how wrong I was.
When my girlfriend returned, we decided to take our own tour of the house, hoping to find a room we could have to ourselves. We found one and practically had one another undressed before we could even shut the door behind us. We didnāt even make it to the bed, we just fell to the floor and started fucking. The only light in the room was from the computer monitor and I will never forget the surreal blue glow cast softly over her naked body and the crystalline reflection in her eyes as she laid on the floor. At some point we were interrupted when the host of the party happened to walk in on us. She realized what was happening, laughed, apologized, and closed the door...which I then made sure to lock.
A few short minutes later, there was another attempt to open the door. At first we ignored it but whoever was on the other side of the door this time was very persistent so I put my underwear on and went to see what all of the fuss was about. I barely released the latch on the door before I lost touch with all of my senses as the fist of a former Marine plowed itās way into the room and square into the center of my face, busting my nose and knocking me back onto the bed, followed by every backwoods degenerate at this party rushing in and proceeding to beat the absolute shit out of me. I could hear my girlfriend screaming as they held her, making her wait and watch. Eventually she broke free and jumped on top of me in an attempt to protect me. She even managed to kick the Marine dude in the face, breaking his nose, but it didnāt stop them and the beatings continued for the both of us.
Eventually someone managed to get their hands through the crowd and onto us, pulling us out through the dog pile of hillbillies. It was a couple, one of them grabbed me and the other had my girlfriend. They escorted us out of the house and to my car, a mob following close behind. They threw us and our clothes into the backseat and told us that they would be back later. I laid my head in my girlfriends lap as she very patiently held onto me while I threw up in the floorboard and passed out to the sound of country bumpkins banging on the windows and shaking the car.
Once everyone had tired themselves out and dispersed, when everything seemed to have calmed down, the couple came back. They asked me if I could drive, which I certainly could not, so they decided to split up where one of them would drive my car and the other would follow in their car. They asked us where they could take us and the only place I could think of was my friend Jeremyās house, he was the vocalist for the band I was in at the time and would potentially be unphased by us showing up unannounced, bloody and inebriated. I must have passed out again, because I donāt remember a single second of the drive there, but when I came to we were knocking on Jeremyās door. Thankfully, he let us in and gave us a room.
I woke up the next morning to Jeremy bent over and gently nudging me as he whispered my name. When he finally got my attention, I asked what he wanted. He stood up straight and very proudly said āI made tacos.ā
Stay the fuck out of Murray County.
In December of 2009, I was working in a small town as the sous chef at a high end restaurant.
The town was having their annual Christmas parade, which ran right in front of the restaurant. We were struggling for business at the time and the head chef, Eric, saw an opportunity. He came running into the kitchen and told me to make four of the best pizzas I had ever made in my life. I did and once they were done, Eric told me to box them up and follow his lead; we grabbed two boxes each, walked out into the crowd, and started giving pizza to the parade onlookers (it was a success, we were slammed that night). When I ran out of food, I returned to the restaurant where Eric was waiting for me with a big grin on his face. He told me that I had made quite an impression on someone and they had actually given their contact information to him, requesting that he give it to me. He did, her name was Nora.
I was actually able to find this lady online before ever reaching out to her. Turns out she was this kind of self made model and had actually done a few photo shoots in front of the graffiti I had painted around town. She was beautiful and seemed really rad, so I called her, we talked, and decided to go see a movie together that weekend.
The weekend came and I was leaving my house to go see Nora. I stopped for gas before I got on the highway, where I was then approached by a homeless man. He asked me for a ride, saying that just needed to go down the road a bit. It was on the way to where I was going, so I agreed and we both got in my car. The man asked me if I was the devil. I told him that if I was, it was a little late to be asking, and I started driving.
After about an hour and way too many backroads later, I finally dropped this man off at his destination. Unfortunately, I had no idea where I had ended up. I started driving until I found a package store. I went inside and asked the cashier where I was. Apparently I had driven so far that I had made it to another state. I tried calling Nora to tell her what happened but my phone was dead, so I got directions from the cashier, started driving as fast as I could, and hoped for the best.
I pulled up to the theater without a second to spare. Coincidentally, so did Nora, who got held up waiting for her mother to come home with the car. We hurried to the lobby together to get our tickets. However, this theater had just installed ticket kiosks and we had no idea how to use them. Eventually we figured it out and found where our movie was playing. We missed the first part of the movie, and I donāt even remember what we saw, but I remember we had a great fucking time.
It was an obscure start to what turned out to be an obscure relationship. I ended up moving away soon after and, despite our best efforts, the relationship came to a close. We remained friends though, and still talk to this day ā¤ļø
I was trying out a new streaming software and it was a success š This was the sample video I recorded, haha! Pardon the bad lighting, I'm still not home š
Life update: I am in rehab.
As some of you may know, I struggle with an eating disorder and have for well over a decade. Last year was actually the first time I have ever been completely relapse-free, which was a huge victory for me. Unfortunately though, I will not be celebrating a second year.
This year has thrown so much at me, but apparently last week was just too much and it triggered a severe relapse that happened over an alarmingly short amount of time. Probably the second worse one since the initial hospitalization that resulted in my diagnosis so many years ago. To be honest, I am actually very scared, I forgot how mean I can be to myself. I refuse to end up in such a dangerous place again though, plus I am a lot stronger now, so I am doing my best to be more more proactive this time around.
I got here yesterday. It was a long drive, I had a lot of time to think and I cried the majority of the way. Iām so mad at myself for ruining something that literally took me half of my life to accomplish. I donāt want to fucking be here, I just want to go home and spend time with my friends like a normal person. With any luck I wonāt be here long; I already know what I need to do far too well, I just need help getting back on track so I can actually do it. Thankfully this time I have the want to do it as well, I have a will to live.
I had a really nice night on Sunday though. My friend Lucyfera369, who I have mentioned on here before, took me out to try and raise my spirits before sending me off. We laughed, we danced, we picked a fight with some meat head, we made out at the bar so people would buy us shots, and then she held my hand as I weathered a storm of anxiety while making sure I finally ate something for the day. If you havenāt followed her yet then you should, her page is fantastic. She is such an inspiration and without her you wouldnāt have me.
I apologize for seemingly being such a downer lately, I am actually a really positive person and am trying to stay that way despite all of the adversities. I want to be more open about myself though because I think transparency is healthy. In doing so I can hopefully help normalize some of these things that people donāt like to talk about (rehab, eating disorders, etc.) in the same way I have been able to do with being transgender. Plus I know a lot of you find the stories about my weird life entertaining, even if they do sometimes lean a little more towards drama than comedy.
I am kind of limited where I am staying, but I am at least not locked up in a clinic and am able to stay at a friends house where I will hopefully still be able to work (fingers crossed š¤). In the spirit of body positivity, and as a ploy to serve as my own cheerleader, here are some pictures of times when I was really proud of how I looked and how far I have come š„°
Pardon the semi recycled photo, but I think I have something kind of important to say.
A lot of you guys were watching my stream the other night when I got some really bad news, and since then a lot of you have also reached out to check in on me. I apologize I havenāt responded yet, but I just havenāt really wanted to talk about it. I havenāt really wanted to talk to anyone about anything frankly...or even get out of bed at all. I will be fine, donāt worry, I am just very very sad right now. I took an unprecedented hiatus earlier this year when something bad happened and what I am currently dealing with is actually an extension of that, but I am trying to be respectfully transparent about it this time as a courtesy to all of you. I am trying my hardest not to slip into a place where I need to disappear again because it was not only unfair to you, but it was also a little dangerous for me considering how I took care or myself (or rather, didnāt take care of myself). If do though, or if I struggle to get content out, respond to messages, etc. then you will know why and I ask that you keep that in mind. I will bounce back, I always do, but apparently Iām not done falling yet.
This is just not my year, man š
A cat scratched me on my tit!
Anyway, now that I have your attention, I want to ask you guys a question...
So, telling stories of my many misadventures has kind of become part of my brand and, as some you may already know, I have even started working on a book (thanks to the encouragement I get from all of you š„°). Some of the stories are rather sexually explicit though, and I donāt know for sure if they are going to make the final cut. I was wondering whether or not you guys would like me to post them here instead. There probably wouldnāt be much picture or video associated with it, but it would definitely be a saucy read. I know it would be a lot of fun for me, but I just donāt want it to be boring for you š° Leave a comment or send me a message letting me know what you think!
