I am remembering myself in all of my forms, and boy howdy ha..

I am remembering myself in all of my forms, and boy howdy has it been a wild ride. Last night I had another wave of panic and mental anguish. Sat on the couch increasingly hysterical, contemplated going in to the local treatment center, poor Rain at a loss for what to do with me. He and a benadryl calmed me down and helped me talk myself through the madness. These waves feel increasingly purposeful, like the purging of layers of fear, shame, and guilt built up over many lifetimes. I've been researching the relationship between psychosis and shamanism, seeing how many markers of a shamanic path have been present in my own life (ecstatic visionary states, inexplicable physical illness and recovery, native lineage whose beliefs and practices align with what I've felt called to explore on my own, an experience of ego death/hell), and how that way of looking at my experiences makes sense and offers a path to healing rather than isolation and further fear. The wave of panic was followed by a wave of calm and feeling of connectedness to my ancestors and the universe. Then in sleep, I had a dream in which I was carrying BB in a bag through a series of cavernous rooms. One of them kept repeating, as if loading on a loop. Finally, breaking free of the loop, I stumbled into a bush with a crocodile beneath it, and the crocodile had a massive hole in its face and snout, as though half of its skull was a candy dish. I was startled at first, but saw another woman near it and was not afraid. I was brought to a circle with other women who were having some sort of book club, who were kind and matter-of-fact about me joining the circle- not an act of charity, just a recognition of unfolding and rightness, as though I was claiming a spot that had always and would always be mine. I awoke with a numb right arm, being told that I was re-membering myself, and I had a sense of steady support from a spirit guide. I felt an awareness of my own lineage, an empathy for my mother's suffering, and a wave of peace and support from the many "crazy" women who came before me whose gifts got them murdered, maligned, rejected, and institutionalized. I am connected to the earth and the divine in a very special way, and this process is an initiation into my true self that has been trying to break through in me for a very long time. To the one eyed crocodile, thank you. To those who are here for my nakedness in all its forms, thank you. To those who are on their own paths of awakening in this lifetime, thank you for following the thunderous call in your heart. We are in good company.