(our traditional nood after a lil time off didn't feel right..

(our traditional nood after a lil time off didn't feel right to put in this post (but they'll be coming up this evening along w the new cosplay 💞) so here's my face and some of wavy hair problems (second picture is all the tangles brushed out on dirty hair and first pic is fresh from wash day ✨)) *tldr life broke me including losing two good friends and my bb girl not making it and her brother almost not making it as well, (it was touch and go with emergency surgery for weeks) but Im getting back on the horse, john wayne style. and any chance I got I still worked and planned on stuff even if I wasn't able to update yous all* ] **typing with a finger splint on my middle finger (because I lost a fight with a door jam, in my defence it wasn't a fair fight I mean they're very solid compared to a fingie) so bear with me here pls Grammarly is doing its best to fix it bnut I can be a lost cause sometimes loool** hello my loves, I'm soso grateful to everyone that's here even when I wasn't able to give a tonne of communication about content and when exactly id be back to regular posting bcs of how badly I was struggling (sorry to burst anyone's bubble who was hoping I had won the lottery or something and vanished due to having a super fabulous life all of a sudden haha), it was indeed a super terrible time but, you know I'm always coming back to drop that silly smut, they'll have to pry the post button out of my cold ded hands I tell ya! I keep trying to do updates and either my mental health or physical jumps on for a roller coaster ride before I can manage. I even have a whole pages long update from frakking dec I kept having to hold off posting and re-edit bcs parts didn't make sense as I was taking weeks to finish it (even tho I was writing a little anywhere I could, it still wasn't fast enough) and then after two months of that you start to feel like quite an insane failure urghh part of your brain going like "how hard is it to just update ppl about whats going on?? sure you sob uncontrollable five times a day and still have several crippling health issues' "pfft sounds like you're just lazy" and such you know that voice I think we all do, grrr (mines Fred, frak you Fred (unrelated to any irl Freds it's from the phrase "drop dead fred" from the weird-ass movie title most of the English speaking millennials watched in their youth)). But then, of course, the longer that went on the more ashamed I felt and the harder it was to push through and to work on, that old fun chestnut Its really hard to get enough help to be able to manage to do anyyth8ing other than basic care tasks (really could have done with some of those sponge baths yous all offered, most of the last half yr I've only managed to shower twice a month, I KNOW, SUCH A DIRTY GORL RIGHT? okay maybe less hot in that context (don't worry I was still doing classic whore (and also crip) baths, my array of wipe off/rinseless cleaners is impressive I'll tell ya haha Anywhoodles, I'm still planning to release that post, probably shortly and just "as is" (with a disclaimer about why I'm talking about xmas coming up lol) but the **tldr is (really hesitant to say this bcs every time i do it seems like the universe takes it as a challenge to one-up itself but) I've had the worst few months of my life. everything took a nose dive and between my health and cPTSD and heavy losses, I got to a real bad place.** on top of things I lost Dewen and it broke me. I have some stuff half-written bcs i do want to talk about it with you but I'm struggling to finish it, she was my baby girl I'm sure you can imagine how difficult it is. And for extra icing on the cake sometimes with a lot of chronic illnesses you don't get the same privileges as a healthy body does with emotions. if I see something that reminds me of her I don't get to sob my eyes out as long as I need to bcs i get a migraine (or a crygraine as Ive dubbed them) after about 10 minutes of heavy sobbing, and then that can mess up plans for the next 6-48 hours depending on how I'm doing and what other triggers are around. Which is highly unfair but life just be dat way sometimes so I have to try to like... budget my tears. Not an easy task for a lil emotional sensitive caticorn like me :( but I'm doing my best. I've shoved a lot of grief down keep calm and carry on British upbringing and all that but i know now how unhealthy and damaging that is even if I don't feel it in the moment it sinks in my body and pops up in other fun ways (like chronic pain, how fun!), because it won't be ignored even by the most talented compartmentalizers! its been so hard, to say the least, and I'm more lost than I have been in a long time. After feeling like I was finally finding myself with the disabled and online community it's been incredibly crushing to feel this way again and the feeling of inadequacy like "how can i give anything of myself that would result in anything good when I'm this broken?" skyrockets and its hard to convince myself otherwise I know that's mental illness and trauma talking bcs I know seeing creators I enjoy share when they're struggling helps me feel less alone and never once do I feel let down, so Im trying to remind my sick brain of that whilst write this. there's is much on my chest i have metaphorically concave tiddies hah. I've always struggled w feeling like i let my cosmianauts down when I'm not able to be bubble and produce super fun exciting content but I know this is a safe place and i know ppl that are here are here for me and that means the messy parts too. well strap in bc s i don't quite know what things look like going forward from here but I know I still have my ridiculous big ideas, my odd passion for giving hearts and boners smiles, and my stubbornness so its bound to be a ride for sure. And as annoy\ing as myh stubbornness can be (to others but akl\so myself lol) its the main thing I have to thank for dusting myself off after that hot long breakdown hiatus and still making grand plans to slut it up like a champ Post scheduled tonight to drop my new fabulous slutty cosplay but do you have any guesses? Here's my hint *Shes a classic fan fav in Cosmiaverse but I have never done any version of her before...* *PS my ptsd/anxiety and shame spirals are the worst with the lack of cognition needed to give what I feel you'd deserve to reply to you all my loves so Im doing my best to tackle PMs but it will probably take me a little to catch up (tips and my wonderful regs prioritized as usual of course but I still do reply to everyone needing a reply!)*