Friends 👋🏽 I’ve been silent for a long time, and I want to e..

Friends 👋🏽 I’ve been silent for a long time, and I want to explain why.

Those of you who have been with me for a while know that I’ve been battling depression for about 9 уеаrs. It’s a part of my life that comes and goes in waves.

Unfortunately, I am currently in another depressive phase. But this time, it feels different because I’ve realized that I can no longer cope on my own.

I feel overwhelmed, insecure, weak, unworthy, and unattractive. These thoughts are breaking me from the inside, and I don’t want to pretend that everything is fine when it isn’t.

I understand that I can’t leave completely. I have to cope. I have to рaу rent, I have to buу food, I have to look after my cats. I can’t just drop everything and cry into my pillow for months.
I can't afford to feel sorry for myself. I can't afford not to work. And I need to find the strength to do it! No one will do it for me.

I didn’t write anything for a long time because I didn’t know what to say. The only things I feel right now are fear, anxiety, and depression. I was afraid of seeming pathetic or annoying you with my depressive thoughts.

But the truth is, I need help.

I’m currently searching for a therapist. This is a difficult step for me because I’ve had negative experiences in the past. Therapy only worsened my state at the time, and I started to fear seeking help. I avoided antidepressants and convinced myself that I could manage my anxiety and depression on my own.

But now, I know that’s no longer enough.

My anxiety has become so overwhelming that it feels unbearable and frightening. I try to smile, mееt friends, notice the good moments in life, fоrсе myself to work, and perhaps even trick myself into believing that everything is fine and that this will pass.
But every post, every photo, every message I share comes with immense effort. Sitting on the other side of the screen, it might be hard for you to see the full picture—it might seem like I’m okay.

No.

I’m not sharing this to seek pity, but to be honest, and maybe to support those who feel the same way right now.

I want to believe that this step will help me get through it.

Thank you for being here, even when I’ve been absent for so long. It means so much to me.

Sending love to everyone who is also f+ghting their own battles.