Part lllSometimes it seems to me that in that relationship, ..

Part lll
Sometimes it seems to me that in that relationship, I was like a little puppy — small, naive, helpless — taken in to be raised and taught.

And yes, that’s exactly how it was. But despite all the pain and chaos that accompanied that experience, I feel a deep gratitude toward that person.
He became a turning point, a fracture in my consciousness — my gift and my curse at the same time. A heavy, complicated burden, yet one I would never trade for anything in the world.

As paradoxical as it sounds, I love this world with all its imperfections. I see in it incredible things — majestic, beautiful, worthy of being witnessed and cherished. Yet there are moments when I am consumed by such darkness that everything around me becomes unbearable. I feel sick of reality, sick of its cruelty and harshness, and I drown in my own pain.

That relationship marked the most significant transformation in my life. It was there that I began to grow up. I learned to analyze my actions, take responsibility, and face the truth.
That person became everything to me: a parent, a friend, a partner, a lover.
He replaced an entire world for me. Through him, I began to tear down the walls that had been built inside me over eighteen long years.

I discovered hopelessness and futility, tragedy and the deep void of this world. I searched for answers to fundamental questions within myself, only to encounter such abysses that it took my breath away.

But alongside that, I also discovered happiness. At the time, I believed it was love — that elusive feeling poets and writers describe. But what is it really? Is love different for everyone, or does it have a clear definition and form? I still don’t know. But I remember those butterflies fluttering in my stomach. I remember crying tears of happiness, feeling warmth and boundless tenderness inside me. I didn’t know I was capable of such emotions.

And then I learned the other side: jealousy, lies, betrayal, infidelity, and the pain of a broken heart.

All of it overwhelmed me, fоrсing me to confront myself again and again. I looked straight into the face of my feelings and my wounds, and I couldn’t turn away.

We both hurt each other. My dark side, which I had hidden for years beneath masks — beneath the roles others assigned to me — suddenly broke free. I saw parts of myself I had never known before. They frightened me. I think this is what people mean when they talk about “facing your demons.”

But despite it all, I grew. I started reading books, searching for beauty in art, absorbing new knowledge. I filled myself with impressions, ideas, and meanings. I expanded my horizons, discovering something new every single day.

Yet the further I walked down that path, the more clearly I saw the abyss ahead. It seemed to call to me — with its depth, its darkness, its mystery. And the more I understood myself and this world, the louder that inner hum became, reminding me of fragility, of pain, of the impossibility of comprehending it all at once.

In that relationship, I encountered love and hate — and, most importantly, myself. The real me, raw and exposed, with all my flaws. And that was my path. My lesson. My life.

To be continued…