HI. I have been utterly EXPLODING with thoughts lately and I..

HI. I have been utterly EXPLODING with thoughts lately and I want to take a moment to get some of them out. So.... I've been masturbating recently. I'm not saying that to be coquettish, or to turn you on. I'm saying that because, well, I actually hadn't been for quite a while. You may or may not know this already, but I have a boyfriend in Berlin. (I will now talk about my boyfriend--sorry!) We are in a non-monogamous relationship, and he helps me with my work by providing a dick to film with sometimes. We also enjoy the occasional threesome. I LOVE having sex with him. After spending some years being a porn-addicted loser in his parents' basement, teaching himself how to edge for hours, he can last much longer than me in bed, and seems to know how to use his cock in a way that no one else does...from my perspective at least. When I was first discovering my sexuality, I LOVED masturbating. I used my fingers, I used the showerhead, I used the handle of my hairbrush at least once, and hell, I think I remember using some extra thick sharpies?? My orgasms were intense and wet and messy and hot and I loved them over and over again. I never had boyfriends at the time but my best friend did. And guess what? She didn't know how to make herself orgasm. I didn't understand that until recently. This year, just before I met my boyfriend, I decided to plunge into the world of what we like to call "sex work". I started out with camming. It was fun-- I like feeling like I'm on display, the attention isn't bad for my ego either, and getting paid every once in a while on top if it--actually, it felt like a dream. Until it wasn't fun anymore. People tell you to do work in a field you find fun, and you'll "never work a day in your life". Bullshit. After about two months, I was turning on the camera when I had time and needed to "work", not when I was turned on and excited to talk to my followers. I wasn't excited, no one would tip, nothing would happen, I would get frustrated, I would turn off the camera. I had stopped having fun. And I had stopped masturbating. I was having so much fun getting to know my new boyfriend, having real life adventures, that the cam just felt annoying. I felt annoyed by MYSELF. I wasn't able to turn myself on anymore, even with porn, because I was now the one creating it and it had lost its magic. I was only turned on by being touched by someone, and that was getting in the way of what I wanted to do. Long story short, I learned how to deal with that. I changed my work habits, I stopped camming, and I became more focused on building my relationships with individuals (yes reader, like you!) A LOT of shit happened in my life this fall, and I even ended up spending long amounts of time away from "Angel" altogether. Recently, I came back to the US to visit my family for the holidays. I had to quarantine and had a lot of time to myself. I was no longer living with my boyfriend. My parents weren't allowed inside of my room. So what did I do? I masturbated! Now that I have no other option, no warm body to cuddle, none of my favorite dick waiting for me, I turned back to my trusty vibrator. Do you want to know what I've discovered since? My orgasms are different. The first time I orgasm in a day, it takes me fewer than 5 minutes, and my orgasm is quick, soft, and shuddering, like the beating of a moth's wings, and I think to myself "seriously? that's all?!" My second orgasm will take longer-- I'll find porn I like and I'll stay online (pro tip: I like longer gifs, but not full length videos) for about 45 minutes browsing, edging with my vibrator (and sometimes my fingers additionally) until I let myself cum. I love to cum with something inside me so that my muscles have something to clamp down on and my orgasm feels more substantial. One thing I've noticed now is........ I don't like to blend the porn I consume while masturbating with my actual sex life. I have a lot of kinks. You would probably never guess them all based on the content I share here, believe it or not. The problem is, I like all (well, most of) my kinks to stay hypothetical. I don't want them crossing into real life. For example: tentacle porn. Yes, I watch tentacle porn, please don't kinkshame me. The idea of being overstimulated by numerous appendages? Yes please. Something for every hole? And my nipples? And grabbing me? And tying me up? I'm first in line. But the idea of being stolen from my bed by a massive fucking extraterrestrial squid? No fucking way, this is the absolute opposite of sexy and makes me want to barf. See what I mean? So this is my dilemma: I am an incredibly sexual person. I love masturbating. I love showing off my body. I love getting attention from you, and I love getting to KNOW you, all of you. And I want to take our relationship to the next level by sharing my kinks with you....but... it's...difficult? Because I have to be incredibly specific about what ACTUALLY turns me on in order not to be turned off by my own kinks, and then I get pedantic like this which is also unsexy and... I don't really know where this is going. Yes I have other kinks, it's not all tentacle porn over here in my head. I'm glad I can masturbate again. I think I can see myself sharing a whole lot of pussy with you in the near future. But in order for that to happen, I needed to get some of these thoughts out. So if you read this far.... thanks. If any of this got you hard....tip maybe? :-)